Rollercoasters & Airplanes

To Be Honest I'm Not Good at Waiting

I’m a visual person. Recently, I started meeting with a Nourish dietitian (yeah, that app most likely on your IG) and had a total a-ha moment when she explained my old, rigid Atkins mindset was akin to a car running out of gas. Although I looked at fruit carbs as the enemy, I grabbed a bad sugar for the sake of a quick energy to take me to the next thing. With insulin resistance, that bad sugar turned to fat. And it all made sense.

I shared with friends that I have been in a funk for quite some time because I’m in a holding pattern. All I can picture is myself as a helicopter flying in circles, waiting for direction.

I’m afraid, honestly, that I’ll crash before that direction ever comes.

What am I waiting on?

What am I NOT waiting on?

Writing. Ten years and ten books. Not a huge achievement, but worth noting the milestone last year. The traction is slow. Super slow. I have loyal readers, and that means so much to me. But constant new readers? Steady reviews? Nope. Still waiting.

A theory I have is that because I write clean & wholesome with Christian surrender issues, not every reader is ready for me yet. I can’t tell you how many people I talk to in grocery lines, etc…who learn what I do and ask if I write spicy. When I announce I don’t write anything close to that “Fifty Shades stuff, they smile and walk away. Maybe people will have a faith transformation and no longer want to read that kind of content. They will search for something romantic, but inspiring. And they will find me.

That time isn’t now.

Speaking of faith, I’m not anyone who falls apart with a slight life downpour. I believe God for big things, and I have seen Him deliver time and time again. To wait on things that I believe with my whole heart He wants to do, gah, it’s excruciating. It’s oppressive because there are things so many of us are believing God for. Justice. Truth. Breakthroughs. It’s starting. But I could scream for the years I’ve prayed on things and it was still a wait.

Like a roller coaster. Since becoming a mom, I declared amusement parks are dead to me. That is not how I want my obit to read, that I got on the roller coaster and this thing happened. Anyway, I still remember how they work. I can hear in my mind the agonizing click-click-click of the car ever so slowly climbing to the top. My life feels like one long click-click-click.

But now I feel much that I’ve waited for is that roller coaster reaching the top. That pause where there is no movement. You know what’s coming. It’s terrifying and exhilarating all at once.

Take my eyes. As the old joke goes with the wife, take my eyes, please. Love the color. My blue eyes speak volumes, more than any of my books have. But vision? Not great. In fact, I wrote earlier this month that last year I learned I have congenital cataracts. This year the revelation was that in ten months, those have deteriorated so much that I qualify for surgery. Add the nearsightedness and astigmatism, and my vision is way worse than I let on.

It looks like later this summer, I will receive a new lens that will give me distance vision and take care of the astigmatism. As the surgeon said, “You’ll probably see better than you ever have.”

Okay, let’s make that happen. I’m tired of writing books with my nose close to the laptop screen. I’m embarrassed that when people show me their phones and want me to read something, I can’t see a dang thing.

Before I get there, there are more measurements. Dilation. Scheduling. Wait. Wait. Wait. Circle the skies. Wait for that roller coaster drop.

My BFF was born in a car. It sounds dramatic and exciting and after my 20+ labor that ended with an emergency c-section, her birth sounded cool. But here’s what I know—-a rapid-fire watermelon shooting out of a cannon is a painful mess. That’s how those fast deliveries are, intense. After waiting so long, you go from 0 to 120. That hurts.

Isn’t movement better than stagnation?

My heart thinks so. The writer in me ready to face increase not in accolades but connection. The Kingdom builder who is so over tripping over dry bones in faith, religious idols where appearance and income seem to matter more than the God I serve. My blurry vision is starving for clarity.

Let’s get that roller coaster flying. Give that helicopter moving out of that holding pattern. I don’t love waiting. I’m pretty sure I’m not good at it.

And that’s probably why it’s happening.

For my good. For my growth.

In faith, I think I’ll raise my hands in joy and thanks, so when that coaster car picks up speed, I’ll be prepared.

Prepared.

Another reason the wait is still on.

For my good. Growth. And equipping.

If you relate, I’ll be sure to wave from my copter.

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I love to showcase other authors and I accomplish just that with my OG blog. This week my friend June Foster and her daughter, Kelly Cordova, stopped by. Check out their post, The Other Side of the Fairy House.