I’m Gen X so when I see anything about owing someone, my mind immediately goes to the 1980’s movie, Better Off Dead. The newspaper boy was owed $2 and he showed up everywhere trying to collect it.
That’s not what I’m talking about.
Last year when I was writing the second book in my Surrendering Hearts series, I started watching Dance Moms for research. Repairing Hearts has a reality show backdrop and I wanted to learn. Boy did I.
What happened during my research was I got hooked. I care about those girls, now young women, as if I am their mom. I follow them on social media and for a time listened to most of the moms speak on the podcast Because Mom Said So.
Turns out, some of the girls returned to Lifetime for a reunion episode. Although I’ve only watched clips on Tik Tok, I’m still processing one of the girls and how she handled her absence from the reunion: Nia Sioux.
Nia was my favorite on the original show because she had no quit in her. Her dance teacher was critical at best and racist at worst. Nia could do no right. But she never complained. She never stopped. In fact, she was part of a dance team in college.
Many asked why she didn’t attend the reunion. There was a lot of speculation. She is an influencer. Perhaps she had work. She’s a college student. She’s an actress. Maybe there was a conflict.
She recently answered and I am amazed at her maturity because I’ve only recently learned and executed this. When asked why she wasn’t there, I read that she replied,
“I didn’t want to.”
She didn’t explain what her life was like or her busy schedule.
She didn’t open up and share that returning to Lifetime and the producers who heavily produced the original might be triggering.
She simply said she had no desire to go.
End of discussion.
Nia learned a lesson I wish I had known. I still struggle at times. I feel I owe people an explanation. That I must justify why a situation is the way it is or why I’m declining.
Hear me out, there are times those things are necessary. If your spouse asks why are there 20 Amazon boxes at the door? That’s fair. Why is all the chocolate gone? That deserves an answer.
But this is where I fell into an unhealthy place and had to surrender, my family. I especially think of our daughter, who was born with some health issues that exacerbated. More issues cropped up. Her first year she was in the hospital quite a bit. She received lots of therapies. But honestly? She was delayed and in a near vegetative state.
As she became a toddler, her health improved, but the delays remained. She had other health situations that were there but were missed. If someone took a glance at her, they would think she was allowed to eat whatever, whenever. The truth was, she had not been active or even able to walk. She was on a lot of medications. Down the road, we learned there were more diagnoses where obesity manifests.
There I go, explaining. This time, it’s to encourage you to surrender the IOU.
Anyway, we were shopping one day and an elderly lady approached me with a pointed finger and told me I was killing my baby. My young son was with us and heard it all. I knew exactly where this conversation was going. She went on and on and on about how she was a nurse (there is no way she was still practicing) and that I was giving my kid diabetes.
What did I do?
I tried to educate her. I shared she is only seeing one piece of the puzzle. That we have a team of doctors. I went on and on and on.
Why?
I felt I owed her an answer.
Then I went home and cried.
I’d love to say this happened once, but that was only the worst case. It usually was the older generation who just looked and guessed the story. And every time, I spent the time sharing.
We had a check-up for her and once again, my son was with me. He noticed the difference in the two. He had no delays, no health issues. He ended up in an honors program where our daughter required an IEP for a season. They looked different because they were different. The doctor asked if I got comments because of the differences.
I noted a lot. Too much. And I started to tear up.
He asked if I try to explain.
I nodded.
He said, “You owe those strangers nothing. It is none of their business. You are their mom and you are doing a great job.” He went on to say he has twins. One experienced great difficulty during birth and has severe issues and delays. The other does not.
He explained one day he went to the mall with his wife and turned for a moment. A stranger saw his wife with one twin in a stroller, clearly older than the average age to need one. She walked over and said to his wife, “What did you do, drop it on its head?”
People.
It’s a wonder God doesn’t smite us all, right?
The doctor said he told his wife don’t you dare feel the need to explain. He encouraged me to do the same. Surrender the explanation. Don’t worry about justifying. Drop the IOU.
Nia Sioux is a great example. Viewers and the media were in her face. She’s young. She might have felt she had to explain every aspect of why she wasn’t part of the reunion, but she did not.
No is a complete sentence.
I didn’t want to is sometimes the healthiest reply.
And letting go of worrying about what others think and the obligation to share is a great surrender lesson.