Thin Swipes & Deep Cuts

To Be Honest I have Superficial Rants and Profound Reflections

I’m that girl who has watched Friends so much between my original watch when it aired live and all the re-watches my daughter has enjoyed that I have every episode nearly memorized.

Superficial, right?

Yet I’m the same girl who can hear someone share a struggle and believe God helps me discern the spiritual issue behind it and pray that thing down and out for an exchange with what God can do and bring.

Deep, right?

Sadly, most people know me as one way or the other. When I talk deeply, those who know me as a Gen X TV trivia master are taken aback. And when I share something trivial with my deep thinker circle, they don’t know what to do with me.

Same.

Last week, I felt like I was on both ends of a tug-of-war. One side wanted to be petty and low-brow with all things Jeff Bezos. Yet, I also faced an incredible Jacob versus God wrestling match that would rival anything you see with the WWE.

Let’s dip into the Bezos rant. Because there’s no need to go deep. The waters are shallow.

I read the Daily Mail. There, I said it. I glance at the headlines because at times there is tucked down in the column something that makes sense, some piece of news that confirms the deep places I go in prayer. Not every time, not every day. Still, I visit.

Last week was rough. Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos made an honest woman of Lauren Sanchezas far as ceremonies go with a lavish, multi-day ceremony that would have set third-world countries free for life.

That’s my first rant.

Second, I can not get excited when I see people who started dating each other when they were married to other people. They can spin it, but my math isn’t mathing. Second rant.

I also am old school. Biblical, even, though not religious. But my dad was a simple man, and although my mom, in her Catholic faith,h raised me to just keep my clothes on until marriage no matter what, my dad had a basic mantra he drilled in me.

“Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”

It sounds like permission, but I took it as I’m valuable property. I’m not going to hand myself over for all the opportunities. I didn’t always think this way, but I did always understand what Dad meant. And I knew he was onto something.

So I can’t get behind Mrs. Bezos, who is close if not the same age as I am, 55. Girl, you have no business wearing a white dress. Not your first wedding. And not virginal. You have kids, so, yeah. And you’ve been with Bezos for years. Pretty sure in a Biblical way. I’m sorry, but I just can’t with the big ceremony and white dress and all the money.

That’s me being basic and taking swipes I have no business doing. But I did anyway.

All week I’ve seethed seeing the headlines, knowing it’s petty and superficial. I know better, but I’m still thinking it. So there. I’m superficial. My thought life should dwell healthier places. But it doesn’t, at least not last week. The Bezos wedding triggered me for all the wrong reasons. The skeptic, another flaw I wade too deep in, isn’t sure that’s a mutual love story. Looks to me like a humongous transaction. Whatever the case, they are married and I’m not a fan.

Thin swipe complete.

Deep cuts aren’t musical, it’s a spiritual fight I engaged in without any equipment. Picture David fighting Goliath. King Saul gives David his armor, but it looks like he’s playing dress-up. Nothing fits. Same with me. I entered the ring ill-equipped. I came full of lamentations.

And I raced around the fighting grounds raving and complaining, questioning and bargaining. The picture I have of God is He’s standing still, watching me circle and swing, holding my head until I drop from exhaustion.

There’s so much I don’t understand, and all of it stems from situations I’m praying about. I am invested at His invitation. Why aren’t things changing? Why do I feel like everyone around me swims in mediocrity when I crave the ocean of big faith?

When I wasn’t tsk-tsking in judgment of the elite and their wedding invite, I was running a spiritual hamster wheel. I want answers I might never get. Still, I spin.

And it cuts deep.

I have a practice in place I won’t say is Biblical, but it relates to the act of fasting. Because of dizziness, I don’t fast food, a common way to fast and focus on God. I’ve fasted from social media and kinds of food, but lately God has led me to what I call a reverse fast.

It’s a sacred time where I go on an app every day and videochat a prayer time with the theme He gives me. It is raw, draining, deep, holy, and amazing. The most recent reverse fast was a call to pray for a set amount of time “chain-breaking prayers.”

As I have done this, and my beloved Tribe prays along, we have prayerfully slain giants. Something shifted. One of the prayers had me look deep within. Really deep. Past the part of me that reads Daily Mail and knows Friends references. The part of me what saw my thirst for justice and for the world to get it together. And I realized my zest has become so all-consumng there’s a chain to break.

Me.

That didn’t cut deep, it was an amputation. I spiritually bled as I surrendered. Passion is not a bad thing until it’s out of balance. The same for justice. I carry both. Somewhere I let those two good things become idols until they weighed me down.

One of my summer treats is watching Season 5 of The Chosen. The closer we get to the Cross, the harder the watch. But the episode that wrecked me so hard that I often return to it was Simon and his walk on the water.

That guy was passionate and about justice as well. In The Chosen, he faced situations where there was immense loss and to him, a lack of clarity. It became a bitter root that needed upending. When he lets go, it’s a beautiful look at surrender and freedom.

That’s where I sit today. If life is a water visual, I’m a toe-dipper when it comes to goofy, and yes, gossipy things. What Jeff Bezos does isn’t my business, yet last week I spent way too much time thinking about his week.

I also flail in the ocean. I get lost in my causes and forget Who holds it all. God sees all, and He WILL deal with sin. All the crimes against children I’m aware of that keeps me up. The people I believe are associated with such things.

He will also deal with me. And He is. When I drew the picture that I’m becoming a chain that needs breaking, I was undone. I don’t want to walk with weights or carry a bitter root.

I want to live free. I’ve tasted the samples the world offers. Blech. Keep it. I know the peace His Living Waters bring. I don’t want to drown in it because I lose focus, I want to bathe in Him. God is Living Water. Jesus is peace. Simon found out literally.

I’d love to tell you I’m done with basic swipes at people with my judgy self. I sure want to be. I fail. And that’s why I’m here. To speak truth. I’m a mess. I fail. I’m flawed.

But deep cuts are necessary and I’m allowing mine. God is removing poisons out of me like judgment, coveting, and so much more.

Getting cut hurts. Sometimes they scar.

To me, a deep cut that scars is a memory of what I’ve overcome and conquered.

And no matter how many times I endure a deep cut, there’s One who carries scars meant for me, you, Jeff Bezos, anyone on this planet.

My heart wants to follow Those Scars. His peace. Holy Growth.

In hopes Judgy, Justice Julie fades into the woodwork like the years that have passed since Friends last aired.

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